Listen up, meatsacks. No doubt you’ve been waiting years for a half-decent game to show up in the Adventure category of the App Store. Well, this is it. Half-decent, as promised.

And, if I may just add something here...
#1 ROLE PLAYING GAME in the USA, UK and around 20 OTHER COUNTRIES. Not that we're all that surprised; the game is at times so beautiful and clever it makes you want to cry.

EPISODE 1: WE NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS
When a hostage crisis erupts in the centre of Clappers Wreake, only one man has the diplomatic finesse to defuse a simmering situation before it boils over into a stew of butchery and bloodshed: Detective Inspector Hector. He’s all they’ve got. Literally. All the other negotiators are dead. Hector has a choice to make: carry out the terrorist’s curiously altruistic demands, or watch as his fellow officers are picked off one by one. Hector’s still on the fence.

Stagger a drunken mile through the Crime Capital of Britain in the size 9s of Detective Inspector Hector: part criminalist, part kebab-fiend, all cop.

Do all the things you’ve dreamed about: hit a tramp with a crowbar, steal a young man’s trousers, kick a heroin addict into a cardboard box, enter a porn shop without embarrassment, carry a designer handbag... all in the name of justice, and all in spectacular ground-breaking 2D.

Did we mention? It’s not for kids.

This isn’t one of those bog-standard Oh-god-where-am-I-how-did-I-get-here-there’s-a-screwdriver-in-a-desk-drawer type escape games that the interweb seems to be infested with nowadays. HECTOR:BADGE OF CARNAGE takes you back to the glory days of the point 'n click graphic adventure: nonsensical inventory items, favour-hungry reprobates, and a relentless stream of witty one-liners.

WHAT YOU GET:
- 18 sordid, filthy, rundown locations
- 23 well-developed & witty characters (+ 1 stinking drunk)
- 40 Inventory items (includes Free Lubricant!)
- 397 interactive objects
- 2421 spoken lines of dialogue
- Cinematic cutscenes
- Original score
- A good few hours worth of low action puzzle-solving gameplay

WHAT WE GET:
- Your cash.

Look, we honestly don’t care if you like it. We just want you to buy it. If you don’t, you’ll never see Episode 2 or 3.

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Here's what people are saying about HECTOR: BADGE OF CARNAGE...

“...Wish I could give it two five star ratings...This is one of the best produced, most polished games I've played on this platform. Great graphics, animation, and voice acting; the controls are perfect, and the puzzles so far (I have yet to leave the environs of the police station) have been fairly easy but funny as hell. Reminds me a bit of a 2D Sam and Max adventure but much, much nastier...”

“...Omg. What a game, what a game. Love the humor love the animation love the everything about this. My only fear is it might be over quickly cuz I'm having so much fun...”

“...I can't believe how damn perfect this game is...”

"...I've never been so shocked at a game before. Never have I felt so immersed in a 2d game. Never have I laughed so much in one room of a game. Never have I seen more creative puzzle and dialogue. GET IT GET IT GET IT..."

"...Graphics hold up great on an iPad, even at 2x..."

"...This game is funnier than a vegetable that has grown into a rude and amusing shape!"

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Watch HECTOR: BADGE OF CARNAGE teasers and trailers on http://www.youtube.com/user/thehectorfiles

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Hector's just returned from San Francisco where he attended the Apple WWDC 2010. Follow him on Twitter: @diHector

1. NO MORE CRASHES EVER! Well, no guarantees of course, but we found the bit that was causing trouble for most of you. I've reprimanded the tech monkeys for you, so you don't have to. Smile knowing some of them are still crying days later.

2. AUTOSAVES ALL THE BLEEDIN' TIME NOW. Hector used to save game only on exit and room changes, but (obviously) can't save on crash. The mend above eliminates 95% of reported crashes, but not much we can do about random gremlins. So, now you gots more checkpoint saves. Plus, if you're really paranoid, the game saves on demand whenever you hit pause/map (icon in lower left).

3. WORKS ON 3.0 PHONES. That's for you, touchArcade guy! Aw, here's a tissue. There there, it's alright now.

4. Made one other thing easy to understand (you guys who've finished the game know what I'm talking about).